Ben Starr

The Ultimate Food Geek

11 Years Today

11 years ago today, I met Christian.  I’ll spare you the details.  No one would have imagined that two people meeting under the circumstances we met under would still know each other 11 years later, much less be a couple.  But life is funny that way, and fairy tales are just fairy tales.

I would love to be able to say that this is our 11th anniversary.  But we live in a state and a country that passes laws to prevent us from being able to say that.  So today we don’t celebrate an anniversary.  We simply recognize it as the day we met.  I practically moved in a week later when I got back from a cave exploring trip, so we have truly been a couple for 11 years.  But there’s no anniversary.  That would be illegal.  My neighbors across the street can celebrate THEIR anniversary, and it’s perfectly legal.  But ours is not.  It is forbidden by law.

But I discussed that last year, when we celebrated 10 years of being together, and many of your wrote wonderful, thought-provoking comments on that blog, and I can’t thank you enough for it.

Since 11 years isn’t the landmark that a decade is, rather than rant on about laws and scriptures, I think gratitude is more in order.  All of you reading this post know me as well as you can know me through the television screen and the lens of social media.  So I thought I’d give you a glimpse of what it’s like to be my partner…so that you understand exactly how thankful I am for him.

Christian works late, so in the morning, he wakes up in an empty bed and bumbles down the stairs, where I’m busy at work with my day job (tech support) on the couch.  He greets me and Oliver with a morning kiss and goes about his morning errands.  If he’s lucky, the kitchen is clean enough and I have the time to make breakfast.  (Those 2 factors don’t align nearly as often as they used to.)  He gets ready for work while I’m continuing my day job online, and he tosses a frozen Lean Cuisine into his work bag…after a longing glimpse of a fridge and freezer full of delicious homemade food in various stages of preparation.  (But, invariably…it’s for FRANK, it’s for an upcoming dinner party or catering event, it’s recipe testing for Nimble Chef, or it’s otherwise off-limits.)

He goes to work at American Airlines, where he has worked since he was 18 years old.  (I won’t tell you how old he is now, because he wouldn’t want me to, but he’s been working for them more than 20 years.)  He doesn’t love his job.  Primarily because he has integrity.  And he watches coworkers spend the day doing everything they can to avoid work, and watches them get rewarded for it.  He watches the inefficiency and excess of a multinational corporation interfere with what otherwise could be a profitable airline providing top-notch service.  After 8 hours of constant stress, making sure your airplane is balanced properly before takeoff, with its load of fuel, cargo, passengers, and baggage, he commutes home late at night.  He is greeted with puppy kisses when he walks in the door.  And there I am, still on the couch…blogging about MasterChef…responding to fan emails…planning for Burning Man or an upcoming FRANK.  I greet him with a kiss, but my brain is elsewhere.  He makes himself some popcorn and pours a glass of wine, and I try to get to a stopping place so I can clear my head and truly hear how his day was.

An hour later, I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open and I trudge upstairs to bed.  Christian looks around at the stuff scattered about the house…my underwear on the floor.  Dirty pots and pans in the kitchen waiting for me to clean them.  Cookbooks and hiking books and solar electricity books scattered all around the coffee table.  Dirt has been drug in from the garden.  There’s a chicken feather on the rug, because I brought one into the house to meet a new friend.  Christian is a neat freak.  He needs everything to be in order.  But I live in the house, so everything is always in chaos.

A few hours later, he comes upstairs to bed, and I’m snoring away, desperately snoozing for a few hours before I have to get up again to manage what equates to 3 full time careers.

During MasterChef, lots of folks said something to the effect of: “You cook, you write, you garden, you fix cars, you build and rehabilitate houses, you cut hair, you sing, you’re a massage therapist…will you marry me?”

But the truth is, living with Ben Starr is no walk in the park.  Because Ben Starr is always so busy helping everyone else, that he’s never free enough to help those closest to him, much less himself.  Christian looks at me and sees someone who should be making crazy good money by charging for the many skills I possess.  And he watches me give it all away for free, or for far less than the time and effort I spend on it.  He counts every penny and struggles to pay the bills each month, while I’m donating what few pennies I have to a charity, or driving halfway across the country to help throw a fundraiser, or spending my entire paycheck building a solar array to power a camp at Burning Man, so that 35 people, most of whom I’ve never met, can have a life-changing experience in the desert.

And at the end of the day, he looks at me asleep in bed, and he smiles.

And that is why my partner of 11 years is the most amazing person I’ve ever met.  He puts his needs and desires to the side, so I can spend my money and my life doing things for other people.  It’s the way I’m wired.  And while he certainly gets frustrated by it…he understands me to my very core.  (Not many people do.)

So on this day…11 years after our paths crossed and instantly intertwined…I have to thank Christian for enduring all he has endured as my partner.  Christian, one of these days you can sit back on the couch and play with your cameras and start painting and sculpting again, and you won’t have to worry about bills.  I promise.  One of these days, when you talk about the new super car from Lotus or Ferrari, and I playfully jest, “I will buy you one for your burfday!”…perhaps I’ll actually be able to.  One of these days, my cooking skills will belong only to your every whim.  And we’ll sit on our porch on a farm in Hawaii, watching our puppies play with our baby goats, and we’ll wonder where all the time went.

Life is short.  And we’ve only got one.  And I’m thankful in every fiber of my being that I’ve got the most amazing person on the planet to spend mine with.

THANK YOU, CHRISTIAN!

54 responses to “11 Years Today”

  1. Straight to Chickens Avatar

    Congratulations. May you always be as beautiful together as you are today.

    1. Ben Avatar

      Thanks, Lauren! *hugs*

  2. Jamie Gardner Avatar

    “One of these days” you’ll be husbands and get to have a real anniversary and I expect to be invited to the party! 😉

    1. Verna Murphy Avatar

      I hope you celebrated your anniversary…because you have an anniversary! You know the day, that’s all that matters! And Ben, you are so beyond adorable, and I am sure Christian is your balance, just as Tim is mine. He “lets” me live my life to the fullest, and it sounds like you guys are the same. We can hope that some day you can celebrate a legal anniversary…and when you do I hope that it will also be a day when you are rewarded financially for all of your talent, because you truly bring so much joy to people’s lives.

      1. Ben Avatar

        Awww…thanks so much, Verna. Hugs to you and Tim!

  3. Michelle Avatar
    Michelle

    First and foremost, I would like to say Congratulations on 11 years together!! Second, I want to share that I am a current resident of MN and within the past year our state has made HUGE strides in supporting marriage equality. I wasn’t sure I would ever see the day where my dearest friends could be united by law. And now they have a marriage license and are planning a wedding for early 2014! I am beyond excited to be able to share in their special day and witness two of the greatest people with an amazing relationship legally become a family. I can’t pretend to know what it is like to be told that your love is less important or less meaningful than mine, or your neighbors, or your friends. But I do strongly believe that slowly but surely, love WILL prevail!! And you and Chrisitian will be able to stand before your family and friends and share your love with them and it will be BEAUTIFUL!! There ARE supporters out here, and there ARE so many people that won’t give up until everyone has equal rights! I hope you two had an amazing day and continue to face this sometimes ugly world with smiles on your faces. Continue to be yourself, we love you for it!

    1. Ben Avatar

      Beautiful words, Michelle, and congrats to your friends!!!

  4. Sharil Avatar
    Sharil

    Dear Ben and Christian, I hope you got to celebrate a little today! What a neat love story. Congratulations to you both.
    Hugs,
    Sharil

  5. Michael Chen Avatar

    Oh my God I love you guys so much. That is all. Truly blessed to get to share my live with the two of yall.

  6. Meg Cotter Avatar
    Meg Cotter

    Awww, I loved this Benny Starr. I hope you get to celebrate your anniversary exactly as you wish. <3 Comgratulations!

  7. Rianna Avatar
    Rianna

    Come over to California and get married! I know it’s not as easily done than said, it’s a bit hopeful that you can join together in matrimony in some parts of the country. Happy Anniversary. I loved your character on MC3, I enjoy reading your writing and for Christian’s sake, I do hope that you can hit the entertainment jackpot one day!

  8. Alice Hagan Avatar
    Alice Hagan

    Once again, Ben you have stated something so eloquently you brought me to tears. To Christian and Ben I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness! Happy, Happy Anniversary and may God bless you both.

  9. Zumbo Avatar
    Zumbo

    Celebrating anniversaries are bound by law? Anyone can celebrate anniversaries i.e. the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event. It’s nit just for marriage. So whatever, law, it is your 11th anniversary.

  10. Anne Avatar
    Anne

    Regardless of what the law says you have each other, and that is a beautiful thing. I wish you many more years together and hope that the law comes around one of these days.

  11. Jennifer Allen Rossi Avatar

    Congratulations Ben and Christian! My husband and I have been together for almost 19 years and long term relationships are not for the faint of heart! He works 12 hour shifts and a swing shift to boot, and I work 3 to 11 with every other weekend off. We don’t see each other awake a lot, but absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder. It’s so wonderful to have someone who will leave me a homemade pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting on the cake plate for when I get home. Even busy people can manage to fit in a million little “love notes” to each other in the small things they do for one another even when they can’t be face to face. I wish you both the best Ben, and continued longevity as a couple. Never take each other for granted, no matter how busy. This is one of the keys!

    1. Ben Avatar

      Thanks so much for your wonderful words, Jennifer! *hugs*

  12. Valéria Avatar
    Valéria

    Congratulations! Yes, your partner is amazing!
    I do hope that Christian start painting and sculpting again! I think you can reinvent your life and always can do things with pleasure together . The ilegal will be legal. I hope so!
    bjim,
    valéria

  13. Gregory Wright Avatar
    Gregory Wright

    Congrats to you both. Happy Anniversary, no matter what laws it breaks! And you don’t even mention how Christian has to put up with your unfortunate sense of HAT fashion…

    1. Ben Avatar

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My unfortunate sense of fashion in EVERY respect. I wear pajamas to the grocery store. Hell, I even wear pajamas at FRANK!

  14. Karen Watkins Avatar
    Karen Watkins

    What a beautiful tribute and show of gratitude to Christian! You are truly fortunate to have each other; it’s obvious that you appreciate everything that represents, and I’m certain Christian feels the same way about you. My husband and I also became a couple immediately after we met 42 years ago, and celebrated 40 years of marriage last month. I wish the two of you at least that many years together, and look forward to the day when you are free to formally marry in any state! Michelle, above, stated my own feelings on marriage equality so eloquently that I can only echo her words. I wish you and Christian the happiest of anniversaries…hell, the happiest of everything on this special day and every other! My wish for you is that all your dreams will come true…and soon! Big hugs and love to you both.

    1. Ben Avatar

      Oh, Karen, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, and what a beautiful story of you and your husband. Congratulations, and thanks for your warm words!

      1. Karen Watkins Avatar
        Karen Watkins

        Thank you, Ben, for OUR anniversary wishes! 🙂

  15. Sarah Avatar
    Sarah

    Congratulations to you both.

  16. steve Avatar
    steve

    Congrats to both of you.

  17. Klaudia Avatar
    Klaudia

    This is so beautiful. You are both amazing persons Ben. All the best for you and Christian, live long and happy life together!!!

  18. MsShay Avatar
    MsShay

    Beautiful tribute. Hope you have many more happy years and hopefully, anniversaries together.

  19. Helga Loncosky Avatar

    Happy UnAnniversary to you both! Mike and I have been together 20 years, but for certain reasons can’t really get married without some major penalties so I can understand to a point how you feel. I certainly hope that you two can realize that dream in the future. And Ben, I’ve been waylaid by injury/illness enough to know someday doesn’t always come. Please start finding a way to pamper him sooner than later, we never know how much time we have, all we can count on is today.

    I enjoyed reading about your chickens yesterday, I have my own flock and have had birds (peacocks, geese, ducks, chickens) most of my life as I grew up on an organic farm back in the 70’s long before all this was cool. My folks still have miniature cattle, I have my nubian goats and morgan horses and heirloom gardens. I have been learning how to store my heirloom seed better. Thanks for you blog, I love your cooking and recipes and techniques you share. If I had my life to do over again, I would have gone to culinary school. But while I was cooking and baking since I was 7, and even used to write out menus and cook to order for the family and friends as a kid and became the dinner hostess as an adult, and my parents were cool to a point, no one ever even gave me the slightest hint it could be a life career path. I was programmed differently. I watched and tried to emulate Julia Child with longing every week.

    So, I do what I can around my family/work obligations and live vicariously through you! My latest thing is dutch oven cooking as I love to do that when we go horse camping. Have a great day!

    1. Ben Avatar

      FABULOUS post, Helga. Thank you so much!

  20. Nick Shiraef Avatar
    Nick Shiraef

    Please tell me the secret to getting a woman to be as understanding as Christian is, and I promise to use mind control powers to change public opinion to the point you don’t have to start out this post with an unfortunate disclaimer.

    (Truthfully, my wife of 16 years is an amazingly unselfish person as well)

    (I swear I didn’t just write that in case she reads this)

    (Not that she would ever scan my internet activity while I’m on the toilet, women aren’t like that. . .)

    1. Ben Avatar

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I think the secret to any human being great is either having great parents…or having horrible parents and enough wisdom and insight to learn from their parents’ mistakes. I had amazing parents. Christian’s mom is one of the most amazing people I’ve met on this planet.

  21. Linda Thomson Avatar

    what a beautiful declaration of love! Happy happy Anniversary Ben and Christian! May you have many many more in the future as well!

  22. Jamie C. Baker Avatar

    This was beautiful, Ben 🙂 A love like the one you two share is something to celebrate!

  23. Andrea Avatar

    I haven’t forgotten about the promised pic!

    I think it’s perfectly fine for you to celebrate this day as your anniversary. I’m single (and will remain so for as long as I can), but I always celebrate one particular day, which is July 18, the day I met my best friend (yup, no romance here, but stil…). It is, as you said, a day for gratitude and appreciation for that person that has made you extremely happy, and we, your fans, can’t help but feel happy for you.

    May the people open their minds someday so the wrong turns to right in the lovely state of Texas.

    A hug from Colombia! (Where the first marriage happened and the main detractor is so royally furious! :D)

    1. Ben Avatar

      Awww…thank you, Andrea! I think it’s lovely that you celebrate the date you met your best friend. *hugs*

      1. Andrea Avatar

        Yeah. So if I do that, with my best buddy, celebrate your anniversary and be happy about it! 😉

  24. Nukkis Avatar
    Nukkis

    Congratulations! 🙂
    Sad that law is what it is. Here, in Finland, things are better, but there is still much to do…

  25. Joseph-Marc Ouellette Avatar

    Nicely said! Here in Canada, where gay couples and gay marriages are perfectly legal by law, it’s easy to assume it’s like this everywhere. The state of Texas, sadly, still balks at the idea. I know how attached you are to Texas, but have you considered moving to a state that supports gay marriage? As far as I’m concerned, you and Christian ARE a happy couple, and while you’re both busy with your respective jobs, and you have your own quirks and foibles, you are happy and you managed for eleven great years to love and support each other! How many married couples can say that, in a world where divorces are commonplace?

    Have fun at Burning Man, Ben! And happy anniversary to you both!

    1. Ben Avatar

      Joseph, Texas is home because Christian has a life-long career with American Airlines. If that career ever ends, we will move somewhere. Places all over the world are welcoming us. Christian is Brasilian, and when we were at the consulate in NYC renewing his Brasilian passport, the lady at the desk offered ME one. I said, “We’re not married,” and she said, “Oh, I know you can’t get married in your country. But you can in ours, we are much more open minded. If you ever want to live in Brasil, come see me.” *chuckle*

      I’m honestly not sure that we WOULD get married if we legally could. I still feel like marriage is a religious thing, and the State has no business defining or regulating it for anyone. It just irks me that my state and country have gone OUT OF THEIR WAY to deny me a basic right than 90% of our citizens have.

  26. MarcO Avatar

    PS: If you two decide to marry, I hear Ottawa is a great place to tie the knot! (Besides, I live there, and I love going to weddings! – hint, hint)

  27. Constance Avatar
    Constance

    Real love is the ability to overlook the things about our partner that drive us up the wall while cherishing those traits that make them so wonderful. I think you two have discovered this.

    May you have many more happy years together and may you one day be able to celebrate your anniversaries as you wish. Big hugs to you both.

    1. Ben Avatar

      That is very well said, Constance. Thank you. *hugs*

  28. Anna Avatar
    Anna

    Congratulations! Much love and blessings to you and Christian!
    It’s rare to find people who value kindness and there is a great comic about kindness:
    http://zenpencils.com/comic/118-roger-ebert-on-kindness/
    Ben Starr, you are rich in many ways and hopefully one day you will be living it up in Hawaii 😉

    1. Ben Avatar

      Goodness gracious, that little “comic” is gonna make me dehydrated from crying. It’s so beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

  29. Barbara Pivetta Avatar
    Barbara Pivetta

    congratulation! you are a really beautiful couple…you moved me to tears, as your Christian is really a good man, like my husband Emanuele, and it is not simple to find people so precious in the world! ( I think you are too, by the way)
    be happy !

  30. Gayle Avatar
    Gayle

    I had tears welling up in my eyes reading this. This is romance. This is love. This is what people spend years searching for. This is what most of us don’t find. No law or paper license or socially blessed blowout party could make what you have more viable or valuable. I’m a Texan too, and I hope you’ll be able to marry someday, just like I hope my sweet brother can marry someday. But more than marriage, what I want for him or anyone, gay or straight, young or old, is to find what you two have together. It’s rare and ethereal and transcends beautiful. Congratulations seems so inadequate.

    1. Ben Avatar

      Gayle, thank you so much for such a tender comment…you made me cry. *big warm hugs*

  31. Cindy Avatar
    Cindy

    Congratulations Ben and Christian. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story. And whether or not you can call this an anniversary pales in comparison to the love that you share regardless of whether a piece of paper or the state says so. What do they know anyway? I do hope that someday you win this fight for yourselves and so many others that share such beautiful and true relationships.
    \

  32. Hominid X Avatar
    Hominid X

    Aww…all the best to you two. Here’s to the day you get to be treated as you deserved, but until then, congratulations on having each other.

  33. T. Avatar

    Babe, your relationship is the hot jam. Keep it hot, keep it fresh. All the best.

    1. Ben Avatar

      Thank you, sir! Means a lot coming from you.

  34. Dario Avatar
    Dario

    Hi Ben, I’m back if you still remember (in case you do forget, I’m the one who were curious why your 10 years anniversary post wasn’t all about you and Christian) *wink*

    Really nice story Ben, very inspiring post, though I do kinda hope this post would’ve been more detailed (I know, I’m such a creep lol). But congratulations anyway, eleven years are awesome! Looking forward for (if possible) a 12th year anniversary post 🙂

  35. Ashley Kaufman Avatar

    Even though this post is a little old, It is the first time I am reading it and it has touched me. Finding someone, who truly ‘gets’ you and allows you to be whoever you are, is a uniquely special gift. I am the ‘Ben’ in my relationship, scattered, a bit messy, creative, and pulled in 12 different directions at once. I wish I could donate all my time to others. My other half is ‘Christian, logical, responsible, organized and grounded. But we love one another, for who and what we are. What is what love is all about. No need to define it with ‘relationship’ or ‘marriage’ if what you have is true and pure. You are extraordinarily lucky, and you recognize that and cherish it. It is a beautiful sentiment. I hope to one day cross paths with you at Burning Man or make the long trip to FRANK. It’s on my bucket list *wink*

Leave a Reply