Tag Archives: youth

Mulligan’s Manor

This is not Sean. This photo is of a boy like Sean, who wasn't as lucky.

I want to tell you a story.  It’s about a boy.  I don’t know his real name.  That information is confidential.  So we’re just going to call him Sean.  He grew up in a conservative family in California.  Like all kids do, he loved his family, even if they were not perfect.  And for many years, he kept a secret from them.  A secret fundamental to his existence and identity.  Sean was a boy who was only attracted to other boys.  He couldn’t help it.  And he couldn’t explain it.  That’s just how he was naturally.

One day he couldn’t keep this a secret from his family any longer.  So he told them.  Expecting only what every kid expects from his family.  Their love and support.

Sean’s family didn’t understand.  And they did not like what Sean had to say.  They figured the problem could be solved by a good old fashioned spanking.  And when that didn’t seem to negate his sexual orientation, a stronger beating seemed in order.

When Sean woke up in the hospital with 100 staples in his back, he discovered that he didn’t have a family any more.  It wasn’t his decision.  The government had taken him away from his family for his own protection.  (And if ever there was a situation where a kid should be torn from his home for his own protection, this was it.)

Sean was relocated to live with extended family in Phoenix, but was physically abused by them, as well.  So he entered the group home system, living with other “troubled” kids whose parents “couldn’t handle them.”  In typical fashion, he was relocated from group home to group home.  He had 6 different “families” in 18 months.  He was picked on by the kids he lived with.  He was even picked on by some of the house parents in the homes.  Because he was different.  Gay, lesbian, and transgendered kids in the foster care system are at the bottom of the pack.  Sean had showed an interest in makeup at an early age, and this made him an easy target.

A home without judgement.

But Sean is a smart kid.  He wanted a place to truly call home, where he wouldn’t have to worry about hiding himself from his “siblings” and house parents.  He did his research…and he discovered Mulligan’s Manor…a group home of a very different sort.  It was started in November of 2011 by a woman named Jenny Diaz.  Jenny had a background in social work and cases of sexual abuse, and wanted to provide a safe place for some of the many children in her community who needed loving homes.  (There are over 7,000 children without families in the county where Phoenix is located.)  But within that unthinkable number are underdogs.  The kids that the rest of the kids pick on.  The kids that foster parents don’t want.  Gay and lesbian kids.  And kids who were born into bodies with a gender that they don’t feel belongs to them.  Jenny discovered through a bit of research that these kids, more than any others, have the most difficulty adjusting in group homes.  So she decided to take her own house…the house where she had raised her daughter Shannon…and turn it into a safe haven for THOSE kids.

Sean went to live at Mulligan’s Manor.  He found himself surrounded by kids who were like him.  Kids he could talk to without worrying about being beaten up.  Kids who would HELP him put on his makeup, if he felt like wearing it.  Perhaps most importantly, he was welcomed by house parents who showered love and acceptance on him.  Who assured him that he could tell them ANYTHING at all, and he would always be loved.  And who would give him lessons on applying makeup, if that’s what he wanted to do.

Also, Sean discovered that all his house brothers weren’t necessarily gay or transgendered.  Some of them were heterosexual.  Because Mulligan’s Manor is a place where kids learn from each other about acceptance.  To learn to be each others’ allies, rather than perpetuating separatism and discrimination.

Sean’s story is not unusual.  In the past 2 years, Mulligan’s Manor has been called “home” by 13 kids with similar stories.  Kids who might not have made it otherwise.  Like Evan.  (That’s also not his real name.)  Evan was in the foster care system as a toddler, and was eventually adopted in elementary school by a very conservative, devout family.  When he became a teenager, he confided in his parents that he was gay.  It did not go over well.  No longer welcome in his home, feeling persecuted and rejected by the only family he ever knew, Evan was found on the verge of suicide and was placed in a behavioral health clinic until the danger of suicide passed.  While he was there, a social worker told him about Mulligan’s Manor, which is now his home.  He has only been there for about a month, but he’s already teaching his house brothers how to play piano and sing.  And, ironically, the fact that he grew up with a steady adopted family (a rarity for kids in the system) has allowed him to share a level of stability and connection with his house brothers that they are not accustomed to.

Volunteers fixing up Mulligan's Manor before the arrival of their first kid

Because many of them have never experienced long-term love before landing at Mulligan’s.  Take Alex, for instance.  That IS his real name, because Alex just turned 18 and is no longer a ward of the state, so he can give authorization to use his real name.  Alex entered the state ward system at age 4, and before he landed at Mulligan’s at age 16, he had lived in 29 group homes.  That’s a new family every 6 months.  Can you imagine that lack of stability in your own childhood?  Alex has now graduated from high school and is interviewing for jobs.  He’s saving up to buy a car, and he’s applying to universities.  Shannon (the daughter of the founder, a former house parent at Mulligan’s, and their fundraising coordinator) had a chat with him recently about his experience at Mulligan’s, and he said something remarkable.  He had been in therapy continuously for much of his life.  But he said that it never seemed to work, because he couldn’t understand what the therapists were telling him.  Words like “love” and “trust” and “compassion” and “empathy” made no sense to him.  He had no frame of reference with which to understand them.  They were just words with memorized definitions.  But after a year at Mulligan’s, therapy started working for him.  Because, he said, for the first time in his life, he was experiencing love.  Love for others.  Others loving him.  And, most importantly, discovering how to love himself.

Alex, on his 18th birthday. (This is his real photo.)

I first encountered Mulligan’s Manor last summer at a fundraiser organized by my friend Donna Donahue.  Donna is one of those one-of-a-kind people that you never forget.  I had interacted with her, as a MasterChef fan, on Facebook and Twitter, and on one of my trips out west to LA, she said that if I was coming through Phoenix, I should stop for a drink and meet her.  Phoenix isn’t directly on the way to LA, it’s about a 100 mile detour.  But something told me I should meet Donna.  So I did.  And I became great friends with her and her husband Chuck.  Donna works at a nonprofit that supports at-risk youth in Phoenix, and she invited me to come help with a bake sale her kids were doing to raise money for the “No Kid Hungry” organization.  While we were setting up, a group of young gay kids came up and offered their assistance.  I assumed it was a youth support group, like the kind I was involved in after moving to the big city for the first time.  But I learned from their house-parent, Marcus, about Mulligan’s Manor.  The boys worked very hard at the bake sale.  They ran up and down the street, telling people about the delicious yummies for sale, and how 100% of the proceeds went to ending child hunger.

Volunteers at Mulligan's Manor, including the founder, Jenny Diaz

And at one point in the evening, I just sat down and cried.  Here were all these kids, disadvantaged to a supreme extent, working up a sweat to raise money for OTHER kids.  It was overwhelming.  I bought them all pizza from a famous Phoenix food truck and sat down at the table to listen to their stories.  And I tried to be a big boy and not cry.  But when you are looking at a beautiful, creative, hopeful, talented, articulate, extraordinary 13 year old boy with his whole life ahead of him, you wonder what kind of person would toss him out onto the street.  Don’t they see what I see?  Someone who deserves to be loved unconditionally?  Someone who can change the world if he wants to?

Donna was as surprised to see them show up at the fundraiser as I was.  The youth organization she works for isn’t related to Mulligan’s Manor.  But, in typical Donna fashion, she adopted the Mulligan’s boys as her pet project.  This past Christmas she took donations and was able to fill virtually every gift on every boy’s Christmas list.  She goes to the Manor to teach them cooking classes and just be a friend.  And they love her.

Green breakfast for the kids on St. Patty's

Mulligan’s isn’t your typical group home.  While licensed group homes can have up to 10 kids at a time, Mulligan’s tries to stay closer to 5, so the kids can build meaningful family connections with each other, have individualized attention and care, and be able to enjoy activities that kids in larger group homes don’t always get to, like personalized tutoring, field trips and weekend retreats.  While they definitely target gay, lesbian, transgendered, and questioning youth, those kids can be difficult to “find” in the system…because you learn early on to hide your sexuality to avoid rejection and violence.  But, at the same time, they also want to foster kids who identify as heterosexual because it’s important for these young gay kids to see supportive straight people as allies and friends.  No kid leaves Mulligan’s Manor until they turn 18, unless they need a higher level of medical or psychological care than the Manor staff can give them.  Mulligan’s Manor is their home.  Unless their natural home becomes a welcoming place for them again.

The ultimate goal at Mulligan’s is to reunite kids with their natural families.  Because people can change.  If parents prove eager to have their child back, and can prove to the state that they will provide a loving, nurturing, healthy environment…and if the kids come to learn that their families have had a change of heart and want to prove their love and acceptance…a kid can be reunited back home.  Unfortunately, this type of happy ending is far less likely than the kids “aging” out of the system at 18.  Which is why Mulligan’s is often the last group home a child ever has to be placed in…because they are there to stay, in an environment of love and acceptance.

This does not come without cost.  Mulligan’s Manor is supported primarily by donations.  And, as you can imagine, raising money for a charity that the public might view as a “gay charity” can be challenging.  They’ve had trouble making payroll for the already under-paid angels who devote their lives to helping these kids have a life of pride and success.

So this Saturday, July 13, they are hosting their first annual “Bowling for the Manor,” a fundraiser to bring awareness to the community and raise money so they can keep doing what they’re doing.  If you live in the Phoenix area, you can join the bowl-a-rama (either as a team or an individual), or win some great prizes from local businesses in their raffle.  Or place a bid at the silent auction for some really big prizes, like 2 tickets to anywhere Southwest Airlines flies, or a weekend getaway at the legendary Clarendon Hotel.

If you don’t live in Phoenix but your heart reaches out to these kids, who’ve endured so much, yet only want to be loved and to find their own special place in this big world, you can make a donation on their website.  Whether it’s $5 or $20 or $100 or more, it will do far more good for the world than that caramel macchiato you were gonna get tomorrow, or that new pair of shoes you’ve been thinking about.  And you’ll feel WAY better about yourself, knowing you’ve actually done something that helped change a kid’s life.

As I was finishing up this post, I texted Shannon because I realized I had completely forgotten to ask about the origins of the name “Mulligan’s Manor.”  I was imagining that the founder Jenny, Shannon’s mom, must have had a very special gay uncle named Mulligan, or something of the sort.  But Shannon set me straight.

It turns out I know very little about sports.  In golf, a “mulligan” is a second chance…the ability to do something over again without being penalized.  So many kids get penalized simply for being who they are, and absolutely nothing else.  Mulligan’s Manor is giving these kids that second chance…to become the extraordinary person they truly are, rather than be penalized for who they are not.

A mural at Mulligan's Manor. Each kid who lives there gets a flower with their name beside it. (Names removed because they are wards of the state.) In this way, each kid becomes forever part of the home that saved them.

Follow Mulligan’s Manor on Facebook to find out what their kids are up to.  Even if you’re broke as a joke, like I am at the moment, send them a few bucks at the very least.  Doing good for others feels WAY better than a midnight taco run.  And if you know of similar organizations or programs in your town, tell us about them in the comments below.  It’s heartening to hear about amazing people doing good for those who need it.  And for those of you doing the good work at Mulligan’s, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart.  You are truly changing the world for the better.

(I was unable to show you photos of any of the kids at Mulligan’s Manor other than Alex, because they are still minors and are considered wards of the state, and their identity is confidential.  Phoenix-area folks are welcomed to volunteer at the house and meet the kids.)

ADDENDUM:  After such an amazing response in the comments here and on Facebook, I’m gripped with the need to say that, as much time as I spend criticizing MasterChef for stooping to the lowest common denominator these days, none of you would have a clue who I am without MasterChef, and I’d have never inherited this AMAZING family of fans all over the world who care so deeply about the important things in life.  So they must be doing SOMETHING right, and as upset as I am over the directions they’ve taken, the fact is that they are still introducing genuine people to a larger audience who can, with YOUR help, make a difference in this world.  Thank you, all of you, for being amazing.

MasterChef Where Are They Now: Tracy Kontos

For the next installment of my MasterChef: Where Are They Now? series, I’ve chosen one of my personal favorites from Season 2…Tracy Kontos.  Tracy is one of those people that, upon meeting, you instantly feel like you’ve been bosom buddies for decades.  She immediately sweeps you into this comfortable familiarity and makes you feel like the most important person in the world.

Tracy’s MasterChef journey began in southern Florida, where she lived with her then-husband, a private pilot for a mega-celebrity.  Tracy met her husband when she was a private flight attendant for said celebrity, in a time when her life was very spontaneous and free, exploring the world, following her heart and her dreams.  After getting married, she applied her rare people skills to a sales position with a major multi-national company and, in no time, she was a national sales manager, making big bucks, wheeling and dealing with Maserati-driving big-wig executives twice her age.  She and her husband settled down with a white picket fence and contemplated a family.  But something was missing.

The siren song of her beloved kitchen led her to a MasterChef audition, and in no time she was sitting next to me in a grimy warehouse in Compton filming the signature dish challenge.  Smooth sailing right through to the big challenge that would decide the top 18, when her chicken skin cracklins caught fire in the oven and Ramsay really noticed her for the first time.  But certainly not the last.  Tracy is one of those people who is magnetic…when she’s in the room, you can’t help but gravitate toward her.

Tracy did well and went far, but not as far as most of us thought.  (We all considered her a definite candidate for the win, and I think the judges did, too.  Of course…neither the contestants nor the judges have any say over who the winner will be!)  And being on the show affected Tracy more deeply than most of us.

She didn’t return home immediately after the show finished filming.  She went on a tour of the country, interning in some of the best restaurants (including Graham’s and Joe’s), getting to know what being a chef is REALLY like.  Because, on MasterChef, it’s just a bizarre hybrid of celebrity and slavery.

Upon returning to southern Florida to her husband, her dogs, and her white picket fence, Tracy discovered that she had no job.  Because when you leave to be on MasterChef, you have to tell your employer, “I’m going away for an unspecified amount of time…it could be a week, or it could be two months.  I can’t tell you what I’m doing, and I won’t be able to contact you during that time.  So I’ll see you when I get back.”  A major corporation can’t really deal without one of its top national sales executives for 2 months, so Tracy was replaced while she was in LA filming the show.

The loss of a job is no big deal for a woman like Tracy.  She could walk into the corporate headquarters of ANY major company in this country and have a corner office that afternoon.  She’s that kinda person.  But she looked around her home…she looked at her marriage…and she realized that her life had gotten derailed somewhere back along the line.  She had lost her creative spirit…her drive to explore life on her own terms…and she walked away from her husband and her beloved pups, packed up a suitcase, and drove to Los Angeles.  With a stop at my house along the way, of course, to make sure she was doing the right thing.

Understandably, the only person who could answer that question was her, and I told her as much.  But having her in my kitchen, cooking casually without Ramsay’s firey breath on our necks, was a moment I’ll remember all my life.  She was scared.  But she was excited.  Because she had lost track of who she really was during the past few years, and MasterChef had been a brutal wakeup call.

Tracy landed in LA with no job, and she started at the bottom, in the place where most people start: waiting tables.  A scant few months ago she was sitting in her corner office in her suit, commanding a sales force.  And now she was slinging cocktails and burgers at a beach bar.

“What did I do to myself, BenStarr?” she asked me when I was out there visiting shortly after her move.  “What did I give up?  Look at me!  Look at how I’m living!”

I thought for a bit, and I said, “Are you happy?”

“Happier than I’ve been in years.”

“Then you’re doing the right thing.”

Tracy started a catering company with Alejandra Schrader from our season, which began developing her connections in the LA food scene.  Soon after, she was offered a fairly lucrative private cheffing gig with a family who are dear friends of Esther Kang, also from our season.  Friends of that family heard about how fabulous Tracy was, and soon she had top-tier clients all over Los Angeles, including some Hollywood mega-stars.

But not only is she resourceful and savvy…she is conscientious and generous.  So it was time to give back.  And in October of last year, Tracy formed WILFS:  Women In LA Food Scene.  (And that acronym is no accident, boys!)  It began with 15 members…women Tracy had met in her exploration of the Los Angeles food world.  They dedicated themselves to mentoring other women wanting to break into that world, to sharing resources and contacts with each other, to support the local farming and food artisan communities, and to educate others on the importance of where their food comes from.  Nine months later, they have almost 80 active members.  They meet monthly to break bread, network, share new food discoveries, and discuss and explore a different food-related subject each time.  The guest speaker may be a local coffee roaster, a farmer, a chef, a vintner, or a brewmistress.  Their last meeting was at the home of a woman who owns an urban farming consultation company, and they planted veggies and learned how to care for backyard chickens.  (I’d have LOVED to have been at that meeting!)  Tracy beams when she reports that at least 10 new jobs have been created for extraordinary women because of connections from within WILFS.

Tracy has also carved out time to join me in my support of YO! House, an outreach program for homeless youth in Hawaii.  Many of the nation’s homeless kids (and there are many…it’s an epidemic) prostitute or drug-sell their way to a one-way ticket to Hawaii, because it’s the one place in the country where it’s always warm, and they hear tales of picking fresh fruit from trees on the beach and living the good life.  Unfortunately, they land in Honolulu and discover horrible gang violence, the nation’s worst crystal meth problem, and just about the only comforting thing for them is that they don’t shiver at night when they sleep in the park.  (At least not from the cold.)  YO! House is an extraordinary place where these homeless kids can come and get a medical exam, birth control/STD prevention, take vocational classes or get their GED, have a hot meal, and keep a locker in which to store their few valuables…making them a less likely target for assault and theft by older homeless and gangs.  And you’d be deeply troubled to learn about many of these kids.  At one event, an 11-year-old limped up to YO! House with blood running down his leg from a “fall” (ie assault).  His parents had left him there on a recent vacation.  Intentionally.  Tracy has joined one of several trips down there, coordinated solely by MasterChef contestants and our amazing friends Dr. Cristy Kessler and Rev. Liz Zivanov, and her amazing flock: the Parish of St. Clement in Honolulu.  We’ve been honored to visit with these kids, hear their stories, help inspire them, and most importantly…to cook for them.  When I see people who are extraordinarily gifted at making money and being successful, I am impressed.  When I see people who are like that, but who spend just as much time and money giving back to others, I am in awe.  And Tracy is one of those people.

As always, I ask MC survivors what advice they would give to a passionate home cook who wants to be on MasterChef.  Tracy says, “So you wanna be on MasterChef?  My first question is: why?  What is it that you’re looking to achieve?  Having the MasterChef name behind me has definitely helped me quickly achieve a certain level of credibility.  So if you’re looking to be somewhat recognizable quickly, go for it.  But if you’re trying to find out if this is your life’s passion and if it’s the direction you should be going in, MasterChef (or reality TV in general) probably isn’t the best testing ground for that.  Especially if you’re sensitive, because the judges make lots of unfounded criticism that could easily crush the dreams of someone without a thick skin.  You can learn so much on your own in a safer environment than the reality TV route.  I mean look at what happened to me!  I lost my job.  I lost my marriage.  My life was a whirlwind of change.  Of course, it was all for the better in the end.  But it wasn’t an easy road to walk.”

I also normally ask people if they had it to do all over again…knowing exactly how everything turned out…would they do it all again given the opportunity.  I think Tracy is probably the single most interesting MC survivor to ask this question to, because I believe her life was changed more than any other contestant from any season.  And here’s her answer:

“Absolutely.  Yes.  I would sign on again in a heartbeat.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve been through a WORLD OF HURT.  I’ve broken hearts and I’ve broken promises, and I’m not the kind of person who does either of those things.  But at the end of the day, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my entire life.  And that would never have been possible without MasterChef.  It catapulted me out of an existence I had allowed myself to get into, and it wasn’t an authentic existence for me.  This is where I was supposed to be all along.  I had gotten off track.  And it wasn’t easy getting back on.  And I hurt a lot of people in that process.  And I hurt a lot myself.  But without MasterChef as the catalyst, I might still be stuck in my old life, pretending I was fulfilled and happy with myself.”

I also like giving these folks a chance to send out one message to my audience and to the world at large.  And the message that’s on Tracy’s heart right now is this:  “We’re in a time where people really need to start focusing on the source of their food.  Start paying attention.  Asking questions.  Ask your grocer which farm those cucumbers came from.  Ask the guy behind the butcher cabinet what the farm is like where the animal he’s cutting up was raised.  We really need to know WHERE our food is coming from.  Organic food isn’t always available to everyone, due to cost or location, but seeking out responsible food is always a worthwhile endeavor.   I would prefer to have quality food in my body that is truly healthy and was raised responsibly, than to have a new pair of shoes.  (And I love shoes!)  I’ve discovered that I’ve actually cut back on my food intake over the past year, because I’ve become very conscious of what it took to get that food on my plate, whether it’s a veggie or meat.  I don’t waste anything any more.  Pay attention to the food you’re consuming, and have a voice.  And grow your own sh-t, people!  Grow your own sh-t.”

Tracy is an easy person to love.  Her smile is bigger and brighter than anyone I’ve ever met.  It’s so damn big that when I talk to her on the phone, the western horizon brightens about 10 shades.  I haven’t met many people on this earth as extraordinary as Tracy.  In the 2 short years since MasterChef turned her life upside down, she has not only been a voice for change in her Los Angeles food community, she has pulled together like-minded ladies to be an even larger force for good.  And she has touched many, many lives.  Including my own.

When people leave a reality TV show, they always say, “You haven’t seen the last of me!”  Unfortunately…that’s often not the case.  But we most certainly haven’t seen the last of Tracy Kontos.  We haven’t even seen the beginning!

Follow Tracy on Facebook and Twitter and LinkedIn.  Check out her wonderful website, and if you are a woman in the food industry interested in helping WILFS branch out into other cities, get in touch with them through their website!

Aloha, Hawaii!

This Tuesday, January 10, I leave for Hawaii with Jennifer, Adrien, and Tracy from MasterChef to help with some benefits for a couple of VERY worthy charities on Oahu.

YO! House is an organization that helps support homeless youth on Oahu.  It’s actually illegal to be homeless in Hawaii if you’re under the age of 18.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it has to do with their truancy laws.  So if your parents throw you out on the street, and the police find you, you go to jail.  Great way to help a troubled youth toward a better future, huh?  So YO! House provides services that help homeless youth find shelter, work, stay in school, and eventually find a permanent place to live.  It’s a VERY worthy cause.

We will also be helping out Family Promise, an organization that supports homeless families with children on Oahu.  You might think that if you had to be homeless anywhere in the U.S., Hawaii is the place to be, right?  Unfortunately, there is a dark side of life in Hawaii that tourists rarely see…there is a lot of drug and gang related violence there, not to mention the challenges that ANY homeless family faces when they are trying to raise children on the streets.  Family Promise helps mentor these homeless families toward a position of sustainable independence.

You all know exactly how I feel about Hawaii.  It has been calling me like a siren song for several years, so I cannot be more excited about getting meshed in with wonderful organizations down there that are doing SO much good for those who need it most.  I’m also excited to show my dear friends Jennifer, Adrien, and Tracy around that tropical paradise!  While the Big Island is where I want to call home, I know Oahu very well and we have some amazing hosts awaiting our arrival!

This is not an official MasterChef function.  Our two hostesses were just Twitter fans in the beginning, and they really clicked with the 4 of us, and eventually decided they could talk to the right people in their town and organize this trip so that we could come and help promote these charities.  If you have a favorite charity that you support in your hometown, and you think any of the MasterChef contestants could help out, PLEASE contact any of us through Facebook or Twitter or through our personal websites.  None of us could remotely be considered celebrities, but we are all eager to use what meager prominence we have achieved to help out those in need.

If the services of YO! House or Family Promise pique your interest, visit their websites and see how you can help!  And you can bet that all 4 of us will be Tweeting and Facebooking and Blogging about the events so you can all keep up with us!  Aloha and Mahalo!